Day Two

Well hello there!!  You decided to read on!!  How exciting!!

So my first day was a bit hellish....I had read a lot about this carb withdrawal and the detox that must happen but HOLY headache.  I spent my entire non-work time in bed wishing for something to come and knock me out so I could at least forget about the pain in my head.  BUT...it's day two...I'm drinking lots of water and I'm really not that hungry already.....it might be just the whole "its in my head" thing going on...but I'm ok with that.

I wish I had someone/something to blame my weight loss on.  I mean...yeah, I had a mother who constantly told me to watch my weight when I was in high school and weighed 135.  I had early on health problems in college.  I had some abusive relationships.  But I have to say...most of the reason why this weight is on is because I'd given up.  I was only semi-fat when I met Troy....and I just fell into a comfortable relationship with him.  He's not fitness minded or healthy eating minded and it just was easy to eat pizza or Doritos or fried food.  I've also tried about a million different ways to lose weight.  Hell, I've actually lost weight successfully in the 9 years I've lived in Vermont.....but losing it successfully and keeping it off are two different things.  Last year, I joined WW for like the 10th time and lost 30 pounds in 3 months.  I wasn't exercising....I was just watching what I ate and tracking it.  I felt empowered....I felt proud of myself...even when some of my friends who were doing it with me had binges and low will power days.....I just didn't.  Then my mom was moved to a nursing home 6 hours away by my siblings and I just ate myself into a stupor and never really came out of it.  I'm not sure why eating is such a comfort to me.  But it always has been.  Its like losing myself within the food and the way it makes me feel (even if its short lived) has helped me through losing my marriage, my father, being diagnosed with cancer, losing jobs, losing friends.....being grief stricken by my loss of childhood when my mother was moved from the house that my father built.....but has it really helped me?  I mean, when I look in the mirror or huff and puff up stairs or hold my back after I've walked 10 feet because it hurts.....are those all signs of "help?" 

I've started over a million times.  Its why I'm not sharing this blog with many people.  I can imagine my friends of decades are rolling their eyes and thinking, "Oh god...here she goes again..." and I can't blame them.  I am the master of good intentions.  Lets hope these intentions last. 

 

Before....

So here I am...starting my first day on Keto and realizing that as I peruse Pinterest and the lovely Internet....I'm realizing that I want to have the body of the girl's that take before and after pictures.  The sad fact....I want the before body in 96 percent of the ones I've seen.  I am so far past any sort of body acceptance.....I mean...I fully accept that I'm a blob....but accepting that I have gone round the bend, jumped the shark, given up......hasn't come into full view until now. 

I actually feel like I have reverse anorexia.  I look in the mirror and think, 'Huh, I don't look half bad' and then I see a picture taken that same day and think, 'damn!!  Where did THAT fat girl come from?'  It is something I've had for some time which some people might now think is pretty funny since I've been fat for so long.  Its not like I don't have some experience being a hottie.  In high school and college I was (but didn't recognize it) but I had such low self-esteem I couldn't even enjoy it.  What I wouldn't give to go back to my 20 year old self and slap her silly.  We are so hard on ourselves especially at that age.  A friend once told me that in your 20's you worry about what people think about you.....in your 30's you worry that what people say about you is true and in your 40's you don't give a flying fuck.  I might be there....except there is one person I should care about....and that's me.

Be back tomorrow :)